Letters of Regret - Fenris

              The quiet sound of heels clicking against the stone floor snapped Fenris out of his thoughts just in time to see the girl he needed to see….with Merrill close behind her. Merrill stopped for a second and stared at Fenris with her green eyes slightly wide in surprise, while the girl didn’t even give him a sideways glance.
              “Fenris? What are you doing here?” She asked him. Fenris didn’t answer the innocent blood mage’s question; he just growled quietly and turned to look away, confusing the poor elven girl even more.
              “Just ignore him, Merrill. He’s just brooding….as usual.” Fenris’ much needed female companion said as she rolled her teal blue eyes at the angry elf before her. Merrill nodded and just barely managed to stifle a giggle.
              “I see. Well, thank you for letting me come over for some…’girl talk’ I think you called it. Anyway, it was fun!” The naïve elf said happily as she made her way over to the door that was being held open by her female friend.
              “Sure thing, Merrill. We’ll have to do something like this again sometime…maybe we can invite Isabella and Aveline next time.” The girl said with a sly smile before saying goodbye to her friend and closed the door….leaving Fenris alone with possibly the scariest and most frightening thing in all the Free Marches…(y/n) Hawke’s little sister Airedina. For a second, Fenris just stared at the red headed mage in front of him with a blank look as he thought of what to say. Airedina had never really liked him all that much and it was highly unlikely that she’d help him now but there was no one else that he could trust with what he carried in his heart. The young Hawke stared back at him with cold, teal blue eyes as a smug grin started to creep onto her features.
              “Bodan tells me that you need my help with something, but you wouldn’t tell him what. So….what situation have you gotten yourself into that is so dire that you’d come to me, a mage who is romantically involved with the man you call an abomination, for help?” She asked as she crossed her arms across her chest. Fenris felt a venomous comment creep up his throat but he quickly shoved it back down. He couldn’t risk losing this opportunity…he couldn’t risk messing up again.
              “It’s…..it’s about your sister…” Fenris started slowly, trying to carefully choose his words so that he would be able to leave the Hawke estate alive, or at least with a majority of his bones intact.  Airedina’s eyes instantly darkened at the mention of her older sister.
              “What about (y/n)?” She asked sternly, a deadly venom dripping into her tone. Fenris started to worry. He wasn’t surprised that Airedina was angry with him for what he did to her sister all those years ago, but still, he had hoped that time would’ve mellowed her rage….apparently Airedina is very good at holding a grudge.
              “Is-is she here?” Fenris asked as he looked away from the red headed mage’s cold teal eyes that seemed to bore deep into his soul….scary.
              “No. She went down to the gallows to see Carver not too long ago. She won’t be back for maybe an hour or two.” The young Hawke sister said sternly before placing her hands on her hips. “What do you want with my sister, Fenris?” Fenris audibly gulped and looked around nervously.
              “I….I need you to write a letter for your sister for me.” He said finally. “I would write it myself but I don’t really know how to.” There was no immediate answer from Airedina, but Fenris couldn’t tell if that was a good or bad sign. Silence hung heavy in the air as Airedina stared at the elf before her, slightly shocked at his request. For as long as she had known the broody elf, he had never once asked for help from her if he could help it…which was very rarely. She wasn’t sure whether to laugh at him and refuse or help him. After what felt like hours, she finally answered.
              “What kind of letter?”
              “A letter of apology.”
              “Isn’t it a little late for apologies….like 5 years too late?”
              “I know that what I want to do is probably a lost cause and won’t work, but I have to try. If I don’t, then nothing will change and I will never be able to find peace of mind again.” Another long pause. This time, Fenris looked up at his greatest companion’s younger sister, who was looking back at him with cold, calculating eyes, silently begging for her help. Airedina felt her annoyance rise when Fenris gave her those big, green puppy dog eyes he used to give her sister when he wanted something. Finally, Airedina came up with her answer with a heavy sigh.
              “Fine. I’ll help you write the stupid letter.” She said curtly before crossing her arms across her chest again. Fenris felt his heart soar when she agreed, but it quickly fell when she added something unexpected. “However, you have to write some of it yourself.”
              “But, I don’t know how! I was never taught to write!” He cried as he started to get the feeling he should’ve asked someone else instead….anybody else. But Airedina just gave him a confident smile as swept her short cut hair behind her shoulder.
              “That can be easily fixed.” She said with a smirk and a flick of the wrist as she started to walk into the main hall, where Orana, Bodan, and Sandal were waiting. “Bodan! I need you to bring up some parchment, two quills, and a lot of ink to my room. Orana, I need you to look after Sandal while Bodan is helping me. Please make sure he doesn’t break anything and keep him from swinging from the chandelier again. Thank you!” She ordered as she walked past the three of them and headed up the stairs, not stopping once. The two replied with a simultaneous; “Yes Messare.” before scurrying off to follow their orders. Airedina didn’t stop until she reached the balcony, realizing that Fenris wasn’t with her, but instead still in the front hall where she had left him, staring up at her. Annoyed, Airedina rolled her eyes and motioned to Fenris to follow her.
              “Come on, Fenris! You wanna get this letter done or not?” She asked irritably, obviously losing her patience with him. Fenris quickly made his way up to his mage “friend”, narrowly avoiding Bodan on the stairs as he raced up to rejoin her. With a nod of approval, Airedina opened the door to her room and promptly walked straight to the desk, grabbing an extra chair that was set by the door. Fenris and Bodan followed her in without a word, slightly afraid to ask what was going on. Bodan quickly set the items Airedina requested on the table in front of her as she sat down and moved the extra chair next to her.
              “Is there anything else you need, Messare?” Bodan asked as he watched her organize the things on her desk.
              “Yes. Do you mind teaching Fenris to write something for me?” She asked sweetly, not looking up from the papers on her desk.
              “Of course Messare, but what does he need to write?” Bodan asks. Airedina suddenly stops what she’s doing and looks towards the two men with a slight smile pulling on her lips.
              “He needs to know how to write ‘(y/n)’…….and ‘I’m sorry.’”

~~~~~~~~~~ Time skip brought to you by Ser Pounce-A-Lot ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              (y/n) let out a sigh in exhaustion as she and her mabari (d/n) entered the estate…..her one last sweet haven. ‘Why can’t this city solve their own Blighted problems?’ she thought to herself as she kicked off her boots and placed her staff next to her little sister’s by the door. She felt so tired, all she wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sleep for a week. Things were piling up on the poor Champion’s shoulders….she wondered how much longer she could hold out before she passed out from exhaustion. Suddenly, (d/n) started happily barking at something and when (y/n) looked up, she could see why. There, in the main hall, was her little sister Airedina with an empty waste basket and laughing as she tried to calm down (d/n) who was bouncing around her, wanting to play with his second master.
              “Airedina!” (y/n) called, gaining her little sister’s attention with a smile, which she gladly returned tenfold.
              “(y/n)! Welcome back big sister! You sure took longer than expected. Was Carver acting like an arse again and wouldn’t talk to you again?” She asked kindly. Unfortunately, at the mention of her brother, (y/n) couldn’t help but think back to the problem she ran into at the gallows.
              “Well, not exactly, but Carver’s always an arse. He never wants to talk to me anymore. But that wasn’t the problem. While I was there, Knight-Commander Meredith caught me and practically blackmailed me into catching apostates that escaped the Circle.” (y/n) said with a growl as the memory flooded back to her. The Champion watched as her sister’s face screwed in anger and disgust.
              “Why is she making you do the work of a Blighted templar?! You’d think they’re all at the Blooming Rose or something.” Airedina grumbled under her breath, her comment soon followed by a string of curses for a good minute before sighing in defeat as she lightly patted (d/n)’s head. “We’ll go tomorrow….no point in going tonight with you ready to collapse….and Anders cannot know! He’d go ballistic if he knew.” She said sternly before turning to walk away to do whatever it was she was doing.
              “Hey…..Airedina?” The Champion started nervously, unsure how to phrase her question to her sister. “Did you happen to hear anything from Fenris?” (y/n) looked to the ground and played with the fabric of her robe as she waited for her sister’s answer. It’s been over a week since she’s even seen the ex-slave and she was started to get worried that something bad happened to him…or maybe he was just avoiding her. Airedina looked to the ceiling as she rolled through her memories of today, trying her best not to let her older sister know what was going on while she was gone.
              “Sorry (y/n), but I didn’t hear anything from him.” She said sounding a bit sad before walking off, not able to contain her smile any longer, leaving the Champion alone with only (d/n) and her thoughts as company. (y/n) did her best to hold in a sigh as she walked up to her room to change into something more comfortable than her blood-spattered robe. Once she reached her room, (d/n) bolted straight for the bed and jumped on. (y/n) couldn’t help but smile at her faithful friend’s excitement.
              “Alright (d/n), you can stay there but when I’m dressed, you need to move, buddy.” She said sweetly before pulling off her robe. After she pulled on her estate robes, she moved towards (d/n) and started to push him out of the way. “Come on (d/n), I want to sleep.” She asked him. (d/n) was hesitant at first but (d/n) soon complied and moved over to the other side of the bed. With a happy sigh, (y/n) slipped under the covers and laid her head down on the pillow….only to feel something uncomfortable against her skin. Confused, she sat up and looked down at her pillow…..only to find an envelope on her pillow with her name written on it in messy handwriting. As she was wondering who left the letter on her pillow, (d/n) whined and laid his head on her lap and looked up at her with big brown eyes.  
              “Do you know who put this here, boy?” (y/n) asked him. (d/n) looked up at her and barked happily. Shaking her head, feeling stupid for talking to a dog, she ripped open the envelope and read the letter inside. As her (e/c) eyes poured over the words written on the parchment, she recognized the handwriting as her sister’s…..but the words weren’t her’s.

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              I was wrong. There. I said it. I once told you that I’d never fall in love with a mage, yet somehow, I still found myself falling for you. However, when these feelings became obvious to me….I ran away like a coward. You were the first person I’ve let past all my walls that I’ve built up over time to protect my heart from those who would hurt me….and that terrified me. Even though I’ve hated mages since as long as I can remember….you were still the one I could never hate….no matter how hard I try.
              The first time I met you, you were staring at me with happily sparkling (e/c) eyes, with the corners of your lips upturned in a smile despite the blood that stained your robe and (s/c) skin. You listened intently to every word I said and never subjected me to any of the harsh comments I’ve grown to hate. You agreed to help me through everything, despite being lied to and the protests of your two siblings, who were less than unwilling to trust me as you did to say the least. From those very first moments we met, I felt something deep in my heart. I know now that the feelings that were stirring inside me were the makings of love, though Denarius had twisted my heart to the breaking point that I could not realize these feelings. When I figured out that you and your sister were mages, I was determined to hate you with my entire being….so thoroughly convinced that you were no different from the magisters. However, when I confronted you two about it, demanding that you tell me your intentions, you just gave me an embarrassed smile and ran your slender (s/c) fingers through your (h/l) (h/t) (h/c) hair and simply said, “Well, I’m only trying to protect my family,” then invited me to join your merry little band of misfits. It was a strange feeling being with you….the strange feeling of belonging that surged through me when you were around….it was a comforting feeling that I had never felt before.
              I remember how you’d pay me little “visits” which ended in you drinking yourself drunk and with me dragging you home to your less than happy little sister. But as time went on, I started to look forward to your company, the talks we shared, the jokes you’d make, and the attempts to make me laugh. You rarely engaged in a serious conversation and when one rolled around, you quickly made light of it…all except for one time. The one time you asked me if I was lonely all by myself in the mansion….you asked me with such a serious expression, it was unsettling to say the least. I never really answered your question before now and honesty….I never felt lonely. Not when I knew that you’d be coming by nearly every day. Even still, there was a dark part of my heart that told me to be wary of you, but it was hard to fuel that fire when it was so hard to find a single ill will towards you in any way.
              I had always admired how you could always see the beauty in everything from the clouds in the sky to the crystalized lyrium veins in the darkspawn infested caves. I remember how one time when you got drunk and started playing with my hand, tracing the lines of lyrium that covered them with a finger. When I asked you what you were doing, you just said, “You said that you hate your markings, but I like them….they’re so pretty….I hope you never get rid of them…” before going off on some drunken rant about how lyrium was the life of mages, but I was only half listening. I was too busy watching you play with my fingers with a smile on your face and wonder in your dilated (e/c) eyes. I wondered how you could be so open and trusting with someone…I wanted nothing more than to be able to act like that.
              No matter what this damned city threw at you, you always faced it with a smile and a joke. I think that’s what I love most about you…..what made me fall so far for you….how you seemed so untouchably pure and whole from all the filth and corruption that plagued this city as well as my mind. You would always help anyone you could find, and even assisted those who had wronged you in the past…..you saw the good in every person you met that I could never see. You managed to put up with all the times I’d drag you into every problem that I faced and never once complained. But I never thanked you for that…not even after all my problems with Hadriana and Denarius were solved. I still felt like I couldn’t show you my weaknesses. I couldn’t help but think back to all the tainted hate that magic had embedded in my dark soul. ‘What if you became like them?’ ‘What if you turned on me even after all this time?’ Those were the questions that plagued my mind and endlessly swirled in my head like dark, thundering storm clouds. I couldn’t face you like that….so I ran….just like I do whenever I’m afraid….I ran like the coward I was inside. When I finally sorted through my thoughts, I came to apologize for my behavior only to find out that you haven’t returned yet, but instead still out looking for me. I waited for at least an hour before you came back. I could tell you had exhausted yourself looking for me from the moment you walked through the door with your breathing shallow and ragged and from the sweat that glistened on your brow. Your sister had told me that you left in a hurry to find me before she left the estate, but I hadn’t thought that you would’ve looked for me so frantically. I had no idea that you cared so much for me. At that moment, everything clicked into place…….the realization that I couldn’t live without you in my life. The way you laughed and smiled, the way you carried yourself, the feeling of you beside me, even the way you blew your (h/c) hair out of your deep (e/c) was something I couldn’t go without. So without a moment’s hesitation, I relinquished control over to my desires…praying to anyone who would listen that things worked out right…..but we both know how much help that was.
             Even after all these years, I still cannot find the words to express how much regret lingers deep in my heart for what I did to you; for making you cry and threating that happiness that I craved to see so much. As much as I hate to say it, you deserve someone far better than me, which shouldn’t be too hard for you to do. No matter how much I want to be the only one to hold you in their arms and feel the warmth of your love and hold your heart in their hands…..but I cannot trust myself with something as delicate and fragile as that. However painful it might be to see you with another man; it will be a small price to pay to see you smiling again and still be a friend, even if we can never be anything more. I’m so sorry (y/n).

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              (y/n) desperately tried to hold back the tears that threatened to spill over her cheeks. She had never wished to go back in time and stop Fenris from leaving more than before. To beg him to stay so that she could help him through all the problems he was facing even if there was little she could do. (d/n) seemed to sense his master’s unhappiness and nuzzled her hand with a whine, hoping to cheer her up. Sniffling, (y/n) scratched her pet’s head and looked back over the letter, noticing a few faded dots of ink that had bled through the parchment. Flipping the parchment over, (y/n) eyes widened in both surprise and confusion.
              “Look…..look behind you?” She read aloud. The moment those words left her mouth, there was a knock on the door behind her. (y/n) spun around and her jaw dropped as she stared in shock at her little sister and Fenris who were standing in the doorway.
              “Hey big sister! I brought you a present!” Airedina exclaimed happily before pushing Fenris towards her champion sister then promptly shut the door behind her. For the longest, the two companions just stood there, nervously looking around as the awkward silence stretched on. Eventually, (y/n) uneasily cleared her throat.
              “So, Fenris…….about the letter-”She started nervously, but Fenris cut her off before she could continue.
              “I know that this is quite a few years over-due but it took some time for me to find the right words to say….I hope you haven’t come to hate me because of that.” Fenris said sadly as he looked to the ground dejectedly. There was another moment of silence between them before (y/n) appeared in Fenris’ field of view and wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. It was a long, sweet, chased kiss, but Fenris savored it all the same as he slowly melted into the warmth of her kiss. When they finally separated, (y/n) flashed her elf a bright smile.
              “I could never hate you Fenris.”




















Extended Ending

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              “By the way, how did things go with my sister as your scribe?”
              “It was humiliating. She’d crack a joke or criticize me after every other sentence. I’m surprised we got the letter done before you got back.”
             “Heeheehee. Could be worse….she could’ve given the letter to Varric. Now that would’ve been humiliating.”
             “….”
             “What?”
             “(y/n)……..where’s the letter?”
             “Right here….what? ‘Gone to the Hanged Man with (d/n) to see Varric and Isabella. Thanks for the idea sis! –Airedina.”
            “……..”
            “Dear Maker…..Fenris! Don’t you dare kill my sister! She’s the only one I have left!!"