Letters of Regret - Nathaniel

Title: Letters of Regret - Nathaniel
Author: LilSisSyd
Game: Dragon Age
characters/pairing: Nathaniel x Cousland!Reader
Disclaimer: Bioware owns anything associated with Dragon Age. You own you. I only own the plot.

(y/n)-Your Name

(h/c)-Hair Color

(h/l)-Hair Length

(e/c)-Eye Color

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              I still remember the way things were between us. Before all this sodding shit happened. Before you lost your family. Before the Blight….Before you killed my father.
             I remember back when we were seven years old…back to when we first met. I was a nervous, very shy, and self-reserved child with a deep seed of fear for my father planted deep within my heart, even if I didn’t know it yet. I remember being constantly harassed by other kids, mainly my older brother Thomas, and had no way to really stop it. I felt so alone. Then you came along, your mother dragging you to the place my family waited for you. You were dressed in a long, light purple dress with your (h/l) (h/c) hair in curls that bounced wildly every time your head moved, light make up dusted your face that was screwed in an irritated expression, and your (e/c) eyes were glaring daggers at the woman you called mother. You were…..not what I expected you to be, to say the least. I had expected the daughter of the mighty Cousland family to be so refined and regal, much like how your older brother acted at the time. I watched you as you snuck off the moment your mother’s attention was turned elsewhere. Curious, I followed you, though it seemed I was a bit too slow because it didn’t take long for me to lose sight of you, despite the emptiness of the estate. It wasn’t until I reached a small practice arena about twenty minutes later that I found you…or you found me as the case might be seeing as you tackled me to the ground. When I finally recovered from having the wind knocked out of me, I stared up at you in confusion. You had shed the dress for a loose fitting white shirt that looked to be about a size to big, you had whipped off all the make-up you were probably forced to wear, and your hair was now a mess of tangles and curls. At first, you didn’t say a word to me, you just sat on me, looking me up and down with curious, calculating (e/c) eyes. After roughly a few minutes, you finally spoke, but all you said was; “I thought you’d at least be a little stronger.” Who would’ve known that we would be the best of friends after that? Though I guess it wasn’t meant to last.
              If someone had warned me then that things would turn out like this for us, I would’ve knocked them flat. I would’ve called it a lie. That it had to be a lie. Up until I left for the Free Marches, you were the only friend I had, and ever wanted to have. You taught me to stand up for myself and took me along so many “adventures”. You loved to have fun more than anything back then…I wish you still could.  You put me through countless hours of “training” to the point I couldn’t feel my arms and legs the next morning, though strangely enough, I enjoyed every minute of it. Still, I enjoyed out little “quests” more….they were much less painful, despite the trouble that came along with it. Remember our the time we went to obtain “the orb of merriment” that was just your brother’s ball that he kept on a high shelf? The one I think I had the most fun with was our attack on the “Witch of Wickedness” with our “staffs of Justice.” Your Nan was sure surprised when we came bursting into the kitchen and started beating her with sticks. She was none too happy about it either.
              We used to be the best of friends to the point that we were practically inseparable. Why can’t things between you and me be like that again? I miss you smiling every time you saw me. I miss how you’d trust me with secrets that you wouldn’t even tell your older brother. I miss you coming up with random ways to hang out with me. I even miss you calling me ‘Nate’. But now, it feels like we’re miles apart even though I can see you standing here, right next to me. What happened to that closeness we felt?
              I first realized how things between us were now when we first met for the first time after all these years. The moment I saw you outside my cell, I could tell that you weren’t that same sweet, fun-loving little girl I once knew. The woman who stood there was clad in heavy, blood splattered armor, (h/c) short cut hair, the cold (e/c) eyes of a hardened general, with a scar running over the left eye. The woman in front of me looked as if she had been through the Void and came back…like it’s been years since she last smiled. I honestly didn’t recognize you at first…it wasn’t until you said my name that I could tell it was you….though that was after I yelled at you and the rest of the Grey Wardens for killing my father. I’ve never seen you as sad as you were after I said those cruel, accusing words…it didn’t even compare to the time your first mabari died. You looked so broken….as if you were about to fall apart at any second. I could see the regret in your eyes, though I so foolishly ignored it and put my complaints and accusations first, and sent them all your way, and they only got worse when you conscripted me into the Grey Wardens. I know now that you had enough to deal with as the new Grey Warden Commander and I just made things worse. I was too stupid to see that you probably just saved my life. I came to the estate expecting to die….no home to return to, no family to see again, no means of staying alive. You gave me all that and more yet I couldn’t see all you did for me. You did your best to make me feel like I was welcome, trying to come up with pleasant conversation, offering to join you and the others for some drinks in my honor, you even forced a small smile once or twice, but I didn’t care to take notice…I never gave you the time of day. I didn’t even thank you when you found my grandfather’s bow and gave it to me as a welcoming gift. At least let me tell you now that I am eternally grateful for what you did for me, though it might be a little too late for apologies now.
              Still, there’s just one thing on my mind; are my actions the reason you won’t smile when I’m around now? I haven’t seen you smile at me since my arrival, but I know you still smile. I’ve seen it; however, it was that damned mage Anders that you were smiling at. I might like the man well enough but I can’t stand the fact that he’s the one who can make you smile….who can make you laugh. He’s been getting on my nerves recently. I can tell he has his eyes set on you and I don’t like it. I know he’ll only hurt you in the end, and I don’t want to see that….not again. I’ve tried to repair the damage I’ve done to our friendship, I practically run myself ragged every day, but no matter what I do, nothing seems to work. You rarely talk to me now, but when you finally do, Anders butts in and starts flirting with you…and you indulge him. That’s the part I hate the most. You encourage his behavior and I can’t do anything about it, but what I hate even more than that, is the fact that I pushed you so far from me and that lead to this.
              I know it’s probably a bit too late for apologies but I pray to the Maker you’ll still accept this. Words can’t even begin to describe how much I regret what I’ve done and said to you. If I could go back in time and change how things are, I would do it in a heartbeat…to go back and stop myself from making all those stupid mistakes that hurt you….anything to keep you out of Anders clutches. Please….please give me another chance. Another chance to fix things. Another chance to show much you mean to me…..Another chance to see you smile at me again, and get things back to the way they were before….

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              Nathaniel sighed in frustration as his hand hovered above the paper, quill in hand. He hesitated to sign his name at the bottom of the parchment, wondering if it worth giving to (y/n), his hand shaking slightly in both fear and anticipation. Eventually, he tossed the quill away to some forgotten corner of his room with a groan before burying his face in his hands. It seemed that whatever he did, he couldn’t get the words he wanted to say to (y/n) without it sounding like he stole it straight out of a sappy love story. This was supposed to be a short letter of apology for acting like such an arse for half of his first year in the Grey Wardens, but instead, Nathaniel ended up nothing short of spilling his heart and soul onto the parchment. When he first thought of the idea, it sounded like a good idea at the time since he still doubted that (y/n) would talk to him about a topic so…touchy between the two, but now it was just utterly embarrassing. Nathaniel let out a defeated sigh as he read over what he had written. ‘There’s no way I can give this to (y/n).’ he thought to himself. ‘Might as well feed it to Mundus when (y/n) isn’t looking. She’d kill me if she found out that I used her mabari for things like this.’ Nathaniel crumpled the papers in his hands and started walking to his door, but as soon as he left the safe confines of his room, he could hear the sound of metallic footsteps coming his way. When he turned to see who it was, he froze, unsure what to do as Anders and (y/n) walked closer and closer. Panic started to set in as he tried to figure out what to do….other than gaping at the Commander like a fish, but he couldn’t help it. (y/n) had shed most of her heavy armor-save for the steel boots that were still spattered with dried blood-now only wearing the chainmail that usually goes under her armor like a dress, her thin fingers tugging at her (h/c) hair, her eyes closed as a somewhat large smile tugged at her lips. She looked so happy….he wished he could be the one to make you that happy instead of Anders…
              “You can’t be serious. Did the First Enchanter really find you and her in a closet like that?” (y/n) asked the blonde apostate, fairly interested in the answer he’d give her.
              “He did! I swear it! Had to clean the kitchen for three months because of it.” Anders said as he excitedly told his tale, making (y/n) giggle slightly.
              “You completely deserved it though!” The Commander exclaimed as she “lightly” punched his arm. It wasn’t until she almost walked right into Nathaniel that (y/n) noticed he was there. “Oh! Sorry, Nathaniel, I didn’t see you there.” Nathaniel frowned a bit, but not at the Commander’s apology or for the fact she didn’t see him, but for the fact that the smile she once had was now completely gone. Still, he did his best to smile for her.
              “It’s no problem, (y/n). I trust that everything went well at the Black Marsh?” Nathaniel asked, trying to get her to talk to him for longer than a minute. (y/n) nodded and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.
              “It was fine. Nothing Anders, Sigrun, and I couldn’t handle.” She said plainly. There was a long pause, both people waiting for the other to continue speaking. Eventually, Anders couldn’t take the awkward silence so he started up some conversation of his own.
              “I was just telling (y/n) here about the time I…” Nathaniel quickly tuned out the chatty mage and squeezed the small ball of paper that used to be the letter he was going to be for (y/n), watching as a small smile had already begun to tug at the corners of her lips. Maybe he should give it to her. It was a better alternative than just sitting by doing nothing. Nathaniel was snapped out of his thoughts as a sudden crash echoed through the halls, followed by some barking and a certain female elf screaming “OGHREN!!” (y/n) let out a heavy, annoyed sigh and rolled her eyes.
              “Makers Breath! What is it this time!?” She cried irritably before stomping off towards the sounds of chaos coming from the main hall with Anders following behind her like a puppy. Nathaniel waited until the two were out of sight before letting out a sigh of his own and looking down at the crumpled mess of papers in his hand. ‘Well…that could’ve gone better.’ Nathaniel thought to himself. ‘Maybe I can’t fix this….maybe she’s too far gone…’ and with that sad thought, Nathaniel let the papers drop to the ground as he wallowed in self-hate and pity.
              “Aww! How romantic!” A voice behind him cried from behind Nathaniel. Hearing the voice, Nathaniel spun around to see Sigrun excitedly reading some parchment….the parchment Nathaniel just dropped. Embarrassed out of his mind, Nathaniel quickly snatched back the letter, but not before she finished reading it.
              “Is that for the Commander?” the death-loving dwarf asked as she stared up at Nathaniel with big, innocent blue eyes.
              “I-it’s not for anyone! I was just about to throw it away!” Nathaniel shot back as he clutched the paper close and out of Sigrun’s reach.
              “You should give it to her.” Sigrun said simply, completely ignoring Nathaniel’s previous answer. “It’d make her really happy.” Nathaniel stared at her in disbelief, but before he could ask what she meant, there some more angry shouting coming from the main hall that people could only guess was curses in elven. Sigrun glanced behind Nathaniel at the empty hallway that lead to the main hall with a slight smile on her face before grabbing his hand and giving it a firm tug. “Come on; let’s go see what’s going on!” Nathaniel never got the chance to protest as the young dwarf practically dragged him down the empty hall. When the duo reached the main hall, both were shocked by what they saw. There, Oghren-dressed in nothing but his small clothes-was half running, half stumbling all over with a mug held tightly in his hand as a very, very angry Velanna chased him around, completely drenched in what they all could only assume was either water or ale, leaving puddles of the liquid everywhere she went, all while Mundus happily barked as he tried to join in with the chase, jumping and bounding all over, not knowing who to go after. While Nathaniel stared at the chaotic scene before him, Sigrun wasted no time slapping a hand over her mouth to keep her from bursting out laughing. Anders was already laughing hysterically, his arms wrapped around himself to clutch his sides and leaning against a stone pillar for balance on the far side of the hall. Nathaniel spotted (y/n) not long after he found Anders. She was standing by the pillar to the left of Anders, her hands clasped together and placed in front of her mouth as if she was praying, but Nathaniel could see the smile behind her hands as she tried her best to contain her laughter. Sigrun soon noticed Nathaniel staring at the Commander and lightly nudged him.
              “Go on. Give her the letter.” She urged, giving him another nudge. Nathaniel briefly glanced down at his dwarven friend, then back up at (y/n), remembering the pain he felt not being able to see you smile so openly anymore. So, taking in a deep breath, he started to walk forward, straight to (y/n), despite all the chaos going on around him…..at least until Velanna nearly ran him over…which just made everyone laugh even more. But Nathaniel didn’t stop until he reached his destination, holding the letter so tight in his hand that his knuckles were turning white. When he reached her, (y/n) looked up at her companion, looking quite confused.
              “Nathaniel? Is something wrong?” She asked him, only to have the parchment practically shoved in her face.
              “I know this is a bit strange, but please, just read this.” Nathaniel said as he lowered his gaze to the stone floor, waiting to see what would happen. There was a long pause before (y/n) carefully took the paper from his hands. Nathaniel looked up and watched as his Commanders (e/c) eyes poured over the page, no expression was present on her face…which greatly worried Nathaniel. Fearful of rejection, Nathaniel decided to look down at (y/n)’s boots.
              “Listen, (y/n), if you don’t feel the same way I-”
              “Nate….” Nathaniel immediately stopped talking at the sound of his childhood nickname and looked up to see (y/n) holding the letter close to her heart as a few stray tears fell down her cheeks. But Nathaniel could see that she wasn’t sad…she was smiling brightly. It was a smile he hasn’t seen in years…one not even Anders had seen.
              “Thank the Maker! I was certain you hated me.” She said with a sigh of relief soon to follow. “I’ve never been so happy to be wrong in my life!” Nathaniel couldn’t believe what he was hearing; it was like a dream come true. Finally, things could go back to they were.









Extended Ending!
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              “Oghren, you filthy pig! How dare you do this to me!!”
              “L-lighten up lady! There-there’s no need to kill me!”
              “‘Lighten up’? How can I ‘lighten up’ when I’m drenched head to toe in your foul smelling ale?!”
              “Heeheehee….Hate to break it you hon…but that ain’t ale.”
              “…………….then what did you pour on me?”
              “Heeheehee…….”
              “Um…Velanna…..you might want to go get a bath….NOW.”
              “OGHREN! YOU WILL NOT LIVE TO SEE THE DAWN!!!!”